again?

once upon a time there was a girl.
she had had her share of heartache, oh yes she had.
there was a palpable emptiness inside of her. a hole she did not know how to fill.
she had wondered how she had gotten to be in a place where she had felt so betrayed by life. she felt as though she was watching life in a pile of little pieces on the ground. too broken to actually participate. too broken to move on. too broken to be noticed. she watched other people and felt a stirring in her heart, a desire to have what they had.
the contentment.
the joy.
the happiness.
she waited and waited and then wondered what she was waiting for...

one day she said enough is enough!
it was hard, oh yes it was.
but she picked herself up and did what she wanted to do, what she felt in her heart. she applied to grad school, something she had wanted to do for years. she got accepted and worked hard and got her credentials. she wanted to make a difference in this world.
and she was happy.


she applied to one (and only one) school district.
she didn't know why.
that's just how it happened.
and that school district decided that she just might be what they were looking for. so a school called. her school. and she went and interviewed at her alma mater.
and she was reunited with her favorite teacher, the teacher who made her want to be a teacher.
and she came home smiling because she had decided that even if she didn't get the job, she gave a most fantastic interview and felt fab about herself.


they thought she was fab too, and offered her the job about two whole days later...

she worked very hard.
very very hard.
she wanted to be the very best she could be for these kids. she knew some of these kids had nothing. she knew that for some of these kids, this might be the only 55 minutes during their day where someone cared about them.
and she felt like some of them cared about her too.
she enjoyed her job.
and she loved working with him!
alot.
he quickly became her favorite person on earth.
for real.

sometimes that hole would nag her. would remind her that it was still there. would make her feel sad and lonely.
she would often wonder why she was alone.
why no one noticed her.
why no one wanted to spend time with her.
was she not good enough?
she pushed those feeling aside and continued working on being a better person, one she would want to be friends with.

that summer, she went to maui with her best friend.
they had a very good time.
a very very good time!
they had shave ice


and went to luaus


and saw amazing sunsets together!

this was the first time in a LONG time that she felt content.

she even decided that she would throw her cares away.
here to be exact...
(even as she types this, she very much remembers doing this...)

but when she got home that hole was waiting for her.
it was still there.
it wasn't as painful...but just enough to remind her that no matter how she spends her time, no matter how many friends she has, no matter how many students love her...she still didn't have a special someone to love and be loved by.

and that's all she really wanted.

year number two of the teaching career starts and she is full steam ahead.
she is going to try her best.
she is going to get it right.
and she is going to appreciate everything she does have for a change.
(and she is going to ignore that hole.)

only, this year is hard.
very very hard.
she realizes there are some mean people in the world.
and she learns that they are mean for no reason other than to make other people miserable.
especially her.
she wishes she was stronger (or more like strong!). she wishes she could ignore it. but she makes the mistake of listening to the mean words. and she makes the mistake of believing the mean words. and she makes the mistake of letting it get her down.

but soon she realizes she is better than this. soon she remembers why she comes to work. soon she finds happiness at her job again.
she laughs with her students


laughs with her friends


and she feels good about herself.

her friend, alisa, asked her if she would go to a conference with her that summer...

the girl thought to herself, "self, you are in a good place. you have worked hard in your career to get where you are. you have worked hard within yourself to build character and perseverance. you are open to new opportunities. why not go?"

so she said yes.

she went to said conference and was interested in meeting new people who had the same interests as her. she thought it would be fun to spend time with a good friend. she was excited to see the wild animal park.

little did she know she would meet a boy.
a boy who was everything on her list, and then some.
but she would ignore the "then some" and focus only on him.
because he made her feel happy.
very very happy.

she fought this idea of dating.
until she couldn't fight it anymore.
and soon they fell in love.

she found herself inviting him into her classroom (something she said she would never do). she found herself inviting him to meet the most important people in her life. she found herself beginning to dream about a life with him, their life.

there's was not what you would call an easy romance, what with the "then some" thrown in. there were many an obstacle to overcome. but she loved him so, and was willing to work hard...to make it work. and he was just as dedicated.

she soon felt as though this is what she was missing. this is what all the stories talk about. this is what she had longed for. she had waited 29 years for this boy. the hole didn't hurt anymore. it was almost only a memory.

almost.

one day she was spending time with him (which she often did because she loved him) and he told her something.
something that shocked her.
something that took her breath away.
something that made her overwhelmingly happy.

he said he thought she could be the one. "the one". the one he had waited for. (and boy, had he waited!) the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

the girl had never felt so loved. she beamed back and echoed his sentiments. she felt as though after all the heartache, after all the turmoil, after all the hurt...this was finally her time.

only, (breath), it didn't turn out quite like that.
5 days later he stopped talking to her.
3 days later her world fell apart when he told her that his heart had hardened.
she didn't know why.
she didn't run over his dog.
she didn't kill one of his kids.
she didn't sleep with his best friend.
(oh my gosh! she would never do any of those things! ever! she was working on character, people. remember?)

she called in sick to work the next day.
(she never calls in sick even when she IS sick!)
and she cried.
and cried.
and cried.
she didn't eat. she didn't sleep. and she didn't know why.
so she called in sick the next day too.

after everything was said and done, she found herself back in a pile of little pieces on the ground.
too broken to actually participate.
too broken to move on.
too broken to be noticed.
and she wondered why she was there again. why she had to endure it again. why she wasn't good enough again.
why she was alone.
again.

she watched other people and felt a stirring in her heart, a desire to have what they had.
the contentment.
the joy.
the happiness.

she never knew that february 1st would be the last time she would see him again.

Comments

[becca]

: (
I'm sorry you're having a tough time--I hope you'll find strength and peace in knowing that God is holding you in His hands. He's got a plan for you--this I know for sure.
Huge hugs to you!
xoxo,
Becca

[Jen]

I'm so sorry...sorry you're having such a hard time. While I can't identify with the break up part, I can identify with that feeling that there is something missing; that there is so much more to life and then the feelings of not being good enough. For anything or anyone. Please know that this too shall pass. XOXO, Jen

[Sasha]

Wow you are in my prayers ..

Sasha

[shaina]

you are so brave for sharing this story... know that you are worthy of the things you desire, the things you ache for. time will heal this hurt and someday soon that hole will be permanently filled.
thinking of you SISter....
<3

[Andrea]

i admire you so sweet lady...
hugs and prayers coming your way!
=0)

[Michelle]

Honey I am so sorry I haven't been around more for you! :( I'm so sorry you're feeling like this... but I know that you will find a boy one day... a boy who is worthy of you! I believe that for the both of us!!!

Hang in there!!!

I love you.... and miss our chats!

xoxo

[Annemarie]

Oh, wow. That is definitely heartbreaking and worth staying home one day. There is something bigger and better in store for you, although that seems impossible to imagine at this time.

[Peggy]

OMG!!! How brave you are to share your story! But, you are so very smart to do it, too! You are definitely NOT alone. You may never know why but you do know you do have true joys in your life - and you have to go with those at least for another while! Your days off are understandable but you have to get back to your kids and school that you worked so hard for! Gather your friends very close!!
:0)
Peggy

[Leslie]

Oh honey, I'm so sad for you. I know all about holes and heartbreak and deep sadness. And it's miserable. Sweetie, you're a beautiful person inside and out. Please remember that and try to find the small positives in every day. And before you know it, things will turn around again! Many, many (((HUGS))) to you!

[Vanessa]

wow! very powerful! you are not alone! and you are very brave and good hearted which are all good things to have to get you through this. not to mention you are beautiful!

[Dawn]

Clearly I am catching up on my blog reading. This is so beautiful & so powerful. Raw & honest. You are brave & far stronger than you give yourself credit for. I don't even have to know you to know this. It's evident, right here in your words. A broken heart is horrible to endure. Dreams shattered... I've been there. (((HUGS))) It may not feel like it now. But it will ease. It will heal. It will make you stronger. Even if it doesn't feel like it yet.

Yes, we do need to chat soon!