Notes in the key of G

Thankful

This Thanksgiving break was way less break and way more Thanks. And by Thanks I mean WOA...WHAT?!?!

Every year since my father passed away, I've had a really hard time dealing with the holidays. God has blessed me with incredibly gracious friends who have always opened their homes and their hearts to me. I could never truly thank them enough for their generosity. (This means you Bethany!) But their was always something missing. As much as I enjoyed spending time with friends and their family, it always was a silent reminder of how lonely I was without my family.

And then this year happened.

A couple of months ago (when change became my middle name) I started talking to my nieces again. I have missed them for what feels like FOREVER. We have all (miraculously) become teachers so the three of us had this past week off. We decided to meet for dinner and massages on Wednesday. Seeing them again...it was like no time had passed. We literally jumped into conversation as if we were kids again, only now as adults. (PS. Best massage I've ever had as well!) When we parted that night, I thanked God for allowing me the time to spend with them again.

Imagine my surprise when I received a text the following day inviting Scott and I over to my sister's house. I haven't spent Thanksgiving there since my father was alive...12 years ago. I cried. Then I asked Scott what he thought. He started getting ready. I did too.

And when I got there it was as if nothing had changed. Time had stopped. Except for the part where we were all adults now (which was a trip!). I hugged my sister and was touched when her husband prayed and said, "...and thank you God for Giuseppina being with us again...". And I met new people! Like my nephew's wife and two sons. And my niece's daughter (who truly looks like a baby doll come to life). I'm a great aunt! How crazy is that?!

I couldn't be more thankful for God's timing and His ability to fill in that hole that has been aching for so long.

I hope your Thanksgiving was as memorable and as amazing as mine was!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
- Jeremiah 29:11-13

Jenn and Mike's Wedding

i heart spring break!

who goes to disneyland and hears someone call out their name? this one does :) as jen and i were walking to the lockers i hear, "hi miss lubrano!" crazy! he's one of my fav kids from last year, we chatted for a bit, i wished him a happy day, and then left chuckling. i texted scott about it and he said that's what happens when you're a legend. ;)

jen got me tickets to disney for my birthday. i'm glad we finally got to go! it's been a couple of years since we've gone to the happiest place on earth together.

my favorite picture from the day :)

i have no idea how she beat me...especially since she said she's never been on the ride before...likely story...

 

L.O.V.E

scott calls jen my "life long best friend". i definitely think he's right :)

over and out

remember this post??

glutton for punishment over here agreed to spend time with said "friend" again. she picked thursday of last week. i could just hear it in her voice when i called her to ask her where to meet up so i gave her an out.
"would next week work better for you?"
"well...ya. i'm going to vegas this weekend and haven't packed yet."
if you're leaving for vegas on friday and you've scheduled to hang out with your friend on thursday then wouldn't it make sense to pack on wednesday? aparently logic didn't win out on this one.
"well i'm busy monday and tuesday."
"how about wednesday?"
"ok just give me a call when you come back. have a fun trip!"
"ok! bye!"

yesterday (wednesday) i left school at 530. i got home by 545. i looked at the clock and smiled.

....

and then i spent the night eating top raman and studying for ap bio. because my "friend" flaked on me. again.

no phone call. no text message. no apology.

no more.

friends part 1

thanks for letting me vent blogland.

so here's the thing. i've really been debating whether or not to say anything on here. because once it's on here it's available for the internet to read. and that's pretty public, my friends. and...it's christmas week. and i don't want to be a downer christmas week. 

but the thing is...this is my space. and i feel like if i can just vent for a minute (or two) i could just let it go and relax in my merriness! (which means surprising a certain someone with some clean laundry)

oh, has this post been rolling around in my mind. the main debate being whether or not to actually share it. but some of you out there are my good friends. and some of you out there actually care about me. and some of you out there leave fantastic comments that help me grow as a person (dawn!).

i've hinted at it here, here, and here. seriously? where do these people come from? and why do they claim to be my friend?? let me share...

i used to hang out with her all the time. she was amazing! so positive, upbeat, and fun. i felt so lucky to be friends with her! we would talk. we would laugh. we would cry. we would sit on the couch so long we would fall asleep...and then wake up and eat breakfast and laugh some more.

and then she met a boy. (how many of you can see where this is going??) i was happy that she was so happy! our friendship gradually started to change and i missed her. i thought after the initial "swooning phase" i would start to hear from her. but i was mistaken. i would hear from her sister. i would hear from her mother. both lamenting about how i was never over at the house to visit anymore. so i would come over to visit (even though i was drop-dead tired from teaching all day) and my friend wouldn't even be there. she was with the bf. which is fine! except for the part where she would complain to her mother that i was spending time with her mother and not her. except for the part where we would all be hanging out together at a bbq and she would be with him and not speak a word to anyone else. except for the part where i would text her and ask to hang out with her and never hear back.

so i thought maybe if i contacted her and let her pick the place and time she would actually follow through. it was summer time and the living was supposed to be easy. sunday came and i said, "hey friend! i miss you! lets hang out soon!" her response? "sure! how about wednesday around 6?" solid. 

only...wednesday came. and i knew, i just knew!, that she was going to flake. so, even though it completely hurt my feelings, i gave her a way out. i sent a text saying, "hey, do you still want to hang out tonight? or are you busy?" this was at 4:30. i never heard back from her. so the next day i called her on her sh!t and said, "you could have at least responded. you could've said you were busy or tired or forgot. it would've been nice if you at least said something." and still nothing. i was fuming mad at this point. what kind of friend are you?? you're the kind that finally gets back to me a week later saying, "i'm so sorry. you are right. i should have just told you i couldn't make it. lets hang out soon."

right. this was in august. "soon" didn't come until october. we went out for coffee. it was like old times. "i know you're busy and so am i but we should do this every couple of weeks! i miss you!" i just knew it was an empty promise.  i wasn't going to say anything then. i just nodded and smiled, knowing i wouldn't see her again for months. knowing that i was reaching the breaking point. knowing that she was working her way right out of my friends circle.

that point came today. her mother threw a party on saturday. it started at 5. she walked down the hallway at 7:30. who is freaking late to a party at their own house?!that's besides the point. the point is she barely said 5 words to me. not by my choice. in her defense, she barely said more than 5 words to anyone! (is that really defense-able??) i spoke to her sister most of the night. (and scott, of course.) when scott and i were ready to leave her mother asked us to stay just so she could talk to us for a few mins since she was running around all evening and felt bad that she didn't have a chance to chat. i thought, "great! and i'll have a chance to talk to my friend!" only, i didn't talk to my friend. because she had already left for the evening to attend another party with him. solid. i sent her a text the next day telling her how sad it made me that we didn't get a chance to talk more. no guilt. no finger pointing. just letting her know.

and did i get a response?
nope.
did i hear from her monday?
nope.
did i hear from her tuesday?
nope.

but she texted me at 9:30 this morning asking me to take pictures of her and her sister today. and she called me at 10:30 and woke me up. (i was still trying to sleep since the sleep i tried to get during the night was lousy!)

wait...let me get this straight...you want me to drop what i'm doing to rush out in the POURING rain to help you because it's 3 days before christmas and you don't have a gift for your mom? wait...you know how to get a hold of me when you need something but never to respond to me, say hi, see how i'm doing, or just apologize for being a self absolrbed" friend"? 

thanks for thinking of me...finally.   

where have all the good friends gone?

i'm tired of the unreliable, the flakey, and the whiners.

i'm on the hunt for new friends.

seriously.

there is this post forming in my head...

but i just don't have the time to write it all out right now. so i'm going to settle for a list instead. and come on, who doesn't love a list?? (communist, that's who!)

1. this summer has gone by way too fast. now, i know not everyone gets the summer off like i do. but when you spend the entire school year playing catch up in your life (errands, chores, tending to relationships) you truly look forward to the summer when you get to relax a little bit. only...this summer hasn't felt like that. at all. too much to do, too little time. and guess what's right around the corner??? ALREADY!

2. there are some people i know who should be on the show clean house. or horders. (although horders is pretty intense.) and by some people i mean family members. only said family members don't realize that they are just as bad as the people they are watching on tv. i know this because when i said, "hey you do that." in reference to an individual on tv who simply couldn't part with any of her 9 house coats said family member said, "pfeph...no i don't." only, upon further inspection, house coats were found in said family members closet.
(who even invented house coats?!)

3. did i mention that school is coming up and it's totally stressing me out? as in i can't sleep at night. and when i am lucky enough to fall asleep i have dreams that border on nightmares. now you know why i'm not waking up all relaxed and rejuvenated.

4. speaking of dreams...i went and saw inception.

that is one crazy-thought-provoking-don't-go-to-the-bathroom-or-you-will-miss-something-and-spend-the-rest-of-the-movie-trying-to-catch-up flick! and i've been having crazy dreams ever since. (see above)
the problem with the dreams? you see when i wake up from a dream - even if i know it's only a dream - i'm still left with the unsettled feeling from the dream. and the foggy brain. and those just don't start the day off right. unfortunately, this has been how i've been waking up almost daily for the past 3 weeks. boo.

5. i've been thinking a lot about the concept of friendship lately. (this would be the long post i have forming in my mind.) in my early 20s i was all about the more the merrier. but as i've gotten older (and dealt with more sh!t) i'm coming to the conclusion that i'd rather just have a few close friends. i'm over the drama (OVER IT!). i just want people i know i can rely on who are going to be supportive and want the best for me. as i do for them.
not people who contact me once or twice a year to hang out.
not people who are my friend when it's convenient for them.
not people who want to hang out and then drag me down with topics i have already made clear i don't want to talk about.
with limits like that i'm realizing the circle of friendship is getting smaller and smaller. and that makes me sad. more to come on this one....

why can't we just be happy?

i'm often asked how my relationship is going. and by often i mean about every 3.5 seconds once a week. (although it feels more like the first rather than the second.) and by once a week i mean i'm. not. joking.

by who???

well...family, friends (understandable), friends of friends, coworkers, doctors, aestheticians...no, i'm not joking.

it normally goes something like this:
"so how are things going with you and scott?"
"great! we're really happy and have a really good time with each other."
"so then why aren't you married?"

here's the thing people. that question? that question is hostile. it's mean and insensitive. nothing good can come of that question. because a question like that makes me think, "you're right...why aren't we married?" "why haven't i been proposed to?" "what's wrong with him?" and my personal favorite, "what's wrong with me?" do you see what kind of toxic thoughts you are planting in my brain? you who are insensitive and mean?

"so then why aren't you married?" you ask.
"well i don't know...i guess there is something wrong with me." awkward? ya, well that's how your none-of-your-business questions make me feel too. but you don't seem to mind that, do you?

why can't you just be happy for me? for us? why can't you just be glad i've finally found a man who enjoys me, wants what's best for me, and shares in my happiness? why can't you just be glad that i've finally found someone who is so different from all the others i have dated and have destroyed me? why can't you just be glad that i have found someone who will protect me rather than hurt me? build me up rather than tear me down? supports me and loves me? why can't you just be glad?

and those of you who ask these nosy questions? why don't you take a look at your own life first? tell me how amazing your marriage is. how problem free your relationship is. how perfect your courtship was. how getting married at a young age was the best idea you've ever had. tell me how simple it was, how there were no doubts or hesitations, how there was no oppositions.

and then i will still respond with, "things are going great! we're really happy and have a really good time with each other." and when i do get married i'll think about sending you an invitation to the wedding. maybe.

i mean, really?!

what do you do when one of your close friends decides to make it her business to share your business with everyone else? as in your deepest, darkest secret. and announces it...on her driveway...to anyone within ear shot. (key people included.)

is that not complete and utter crap?!

my motto has been, "it's not my business to share their business."

but apparently it's ok to announce my information to others. don't you think if i wanted them to know i would have told them?

i'm so infuriated right now. guess what friend? kiss those conversations goodbye.

counting down

t minus 3 days and counting...

and i'm actually really excited about it! (i know, right???) i just find such comfort in knowing that my friends actually want to celebrate with me! i'm seriously booked for the next week straight. between packing and best friend dinners and going out of town with the boy to go wine tasting with one of my favorite couples! i'm giddy just thinking about it! as for the actual day? who knows? but i'll be spending it with scott and will be completely happy about it :)