so here's the thing...
i've been having some issues with this upcoming birthday for a couple of months now.
30.
30.
it just seems so much older than 29. maybe it's because my 20's are coming to an end. maybe it's because everyone else (for the most part) is younger than me. maybe it's because 30 sounds like a grown up. like someone who is supposed to be married and starting a family and has a career and their life is together. (i know...i know...but that's what i thought when i was in my early 20's!)
i started thinking about my 20's this morning, reminiscing if you will, as they come to an end (gah!). and i started reflecting on my love life.
20: in a relationship that i knew in my heart was never going to lead me down a path of true happiness, just a path of contentedness.
21: began thinking that i was not willing to settle for a path of contentedness. i wanted a path of happiness and love and excitement and butterflies!
22: took a "break" which really was just a hop, skip, and a leap from a breakup. (is there really any difference between the two?) ironically, it started as his idea. i just happened to be the only one with the cahones to do it.
started dating a new guy. the party guy. the exact opposite of the 4 1/2 year relationship i had just gotten out of. i truly truly truly thought it would just be a summer thing. fun and exciting? check! attractive? check! stable and supportive? umm...no. but who cares? it's just for the summer! only i believed what he told me and continued to fall farther into a very unhealthy relationship.
23: it'll get better right??
24: i mean it's been 2 years...so he really must love me. even if he doesn't call when he says he's going to. even if he goes out and doesn't invite me. even if he has no interest in ever EVER growing up. even if he doesn't follow through on anything. but it'll get better right??
25: he finally did me a favor and ended the relationship. and i'm thankful for it every. single. day.
now.
but then? back then? back then i was devastated. who are we kidding? devastated doesn't begin to describe the broken little wreck that i was. i never thought i'd laugh again. shit, i never thought i'd smile! i never thought i'd be able to see beyond the dark little hole i was crying my eyeballs out in. my schedule looked something like this: get up, cry, blow my nose, go to work, loose weight, fight back tears, over-analyze, go home, cry, skip meals, go to bed, wish for sleep for a small break from the crying.
26: single. struggling. finding myself. with lots of help.
27: working. working. working. dating? sometimes. depressing? most times. lots of "hi it's nice to meet you." "it was fun meeting you." "don't call me again." i heart the dating world. and as for online dating? don't even get me started.
28: met someone in the most unlikely of places...a teacher conference. saw the red flags. could barely see past the red flags. somehow managed to COMPLETELY IGNORE THE RED FLAGS ALTHOUGH IT WENT AGAINST ALL OF MY BETTER JUDGMENT. dated him. even though it was hard. even though it was always ALWAYS going to be hard. i'm no quitter. unfortunately. so what happened?
29: he quit me. not before ignoring me for 3 days rather than talking to me. not before making me wait 5 weeks before he was able to muster up the courage (please insert sarcastic eye roll here) to type up a brief paragraph of his thoughts on our relationship and email it to me at school. at school people. during 2nd period.
for real???
spent the next 2-3 months trying to figure out what i did wrong. because obviously i did something wrong. it could never have been the other person's fault. no, there were definitely not two people in that relationship. just him and the girl who took all the blame and punished herself every day.
and then...
and then...
and then during the last quarter of this roller coaster of a decade...
i met him.
i met him and my heart began to sing.
just typing this makes me involuntarily smile.
that's just how much he makes my heart sing!
and now as i'm closing in on 30 i can't help but think, "wow did i get my ass kicked over the last 10 years!"
and i picked myself up.
every. single. time.
and i grew. and i learned. and i learned to love again.
these next 10 years are going to be amazing :)
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